Dating, Lifting, and Shaking the Table as a Black African Woman
By Dru
Let me guess: You lift weights, feel amazing… and suddenly people start calling you “Muscle Mummy.” Like that’s supposed to be an insult.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
As a 5’3″ Black African woman who trains seriously in the gym, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to defend my femininity — to men, to aunties, even to my own mum.
- “Won’t you start looking like a man?”
- “Isn’t that too much for a woman?”
- And my personal favorite from a guy I once dated:
“I’m not trying to date someone who could bench more than me.”
Sir, be serious.
Strength Isn’t Masculine. Let’s Be Real.
There’s this myth — especially in African culture — that lifting weights makes a woman masculine. Suddenly you’re supposed to grow broad shoulders, a thick neck, and veins popping everywhere. Like we all magically turn into bodybuilders overnight.
But here’s the science:
Women naturally have 15 times less testosterone than men. Even lifting heavy, muscle growth is slow, controlled, and balanced. You don’t bulk up unless you’re actively trying (and using things we’re not using, sis).
What does happen when you lift?
- Your waist snatches.
- Your booty lifts.
- Your arms get toned.
- Your posture improves.
- You feel confident AF.
Still soft. Still feminine. Just stronger, more grounded, and deeply in love with your own body.
Dating While Lifting: A Whole Other Workout!
Let’s talk about dating… because whew.
Some men see a strong woman and feel threatened. Like your muscles are a challenge to their masculinity. You show up in leggings, post-deadlift glow, and they look at you like you’re trying to take their role.
Newsflash:
It’s not your job to shrink to make a man feel big.
If your muscles intimidate him, imagine how your ambition will make him feel.
And Mum, I Know You Mean Well…
African mums mean well. To them, being “marriage material” means being soft, small, and silent.
When I first started lifting, my mum was convinced I’d grow a beard, lose my hips, and scare all suitors away.
Now? After seeing how strong and healthy I’ve become… even she’s curious about squats (or at least I hope!).
So yes, the journey isn’t just yours. It’s your family’s. It’s your community’s. The more we normalize Black women being strong and soft, the more we shift the culture.
Lift Anyway.
Because beyond the glutes and toned arms, lifting gives you:
- Discipline: Showing up when it’s hard.
- Confidence: Measuring progress by what your body can do, not what it weighs.
- Mental strength: Resilience in life mirrors resilience under the barbell.
- Longevity: Strong bones, balanced hormones, better sleep, less stress… need I go on?
Be Strong. Be Soft. Be You.
You don’t have to choose between strength and femininity.
Wear your waist beads. Wear your red lipstick. And pick up your barbell.
Let them call you “Muscle Mummy.”
Smile. Say thank you.
Because while they’re busy misunderstanding you, you’re busy building a body — and a life — you love.
Lift. Love. Live loudly.
And never apologize for your strength.